Unknown

As Isaac walked through the rain he nervously reached for Brittany’s hand, just before he realized she wasn’t standing there. In a panic, he turned round and round, surveying the vast expanse of land around him. And then he remembered she wasn’t there anymore. Not there with him, not there period. Brittany had been the one to leave, at least that is what Isaac kept telling himself. Really, he didn’t give her much excuse to stay. He had taken her heart and shattered it in a million pieces, then expected her to just pick up where they had left off, as if nothing had happened.

But then he became angry. Angry at her for not loving him blindly, angry at her friends for convincing her she could do better, but most of all angry at himself for not trying harder. Angry at himself for hurting her in the way that he did. He could have hurt her in a million other ways and she would have been there, but he chose the one that would scar her, and him, for life. Isaac knew when he cheated on Brittany that it would be the end. The end of everything he loved so dearly…

But he couldn’t possibly foresee how she would take it, couldn’t imagine it ending as badly as it did. If he had known how badly it was going to end, he never would have told her, maybe never even cheated on her. But then Isaac thinks back to her, to how she felt in his arms, and he wonders where she is now, what she is doing, if maybe, just maybe, she is thinking of him. As his mind races, Isaac can’t decide where to go or what to do. All he knows is he wants to feel like that again, like nothing he said or did mattered, as though time would erase all the pain he had caused.

He thinks back to that night, to the night that ended it all. Its as if it happened yesterday, but he knows better. His therapist keeps reminding him he just has to let go, but he won’t. Its not that he can’t, he just doesn’t want to.

A Woman’s Soul

A Woman’s Soul — Author Unknown

The soul of a woman is a marvelous thing.

It can make the poorest of poor into a Queen.

Because a woman’s soul is not judged by what man’s eye can see,

But what shines from within. That’s pure beauty.

She’s a light that shines brighter than any candle man can make.

She’s a soldier who keeps on fighting no matter what it takes.

A woman is always a lady in the way that she moves.

She is confident because she knows the true meaning of her divahood.

She will be one of the best friends you have ever had.

She’ll wipe the tears from your face, even the ones unshed.

She’ll look into your eyes & tell you the truth.

She won’t push or shove, but show you what to do.

She is friend, sister, doctor, & lover.

She is caregiver, provider, protector, & lawyer.

She believes in God because she knows that He’s real.

She looks to Him for her joy, not man’s cheap thrills.

She has victory at home, at church, & at work.

She knows that no man is greater because we all came from dirt.

She knows that the best she is rests deep down inside

In the home that she built for God to reside.

She doesn’t need a man to validate how she feels;

Because if it comes down to it, she can pay her own bills.

She shares all she has with those who have less.

She accepts no half-made steps, because she gives her best.

She understands that many times things won’t go as she wills,

But it is then that she knows to look to the hills.

Because it is through God alone that her strength is renewed,

Her loads made easier, her burdens removed.

So when her feet are tired & her mind screams to quit,

When she’s sore from running & she just wants to sit,

When those loads get too heavy & those burdens too hard,

She doesn’t give up, but puts her trust in the Lord.

Because she knows that through God all things are settled.

For she will win the war, even if she loses a battle.

She is a miracle of life, this woman God has made,

More precious than jewels that will one day fade.

If only you can see what a wondrous thing it is to behold

The beauty to be found in a woman’s soul

Zombie…

I couldn’t stand the way he looked at her, like he OWNED her or something. The way she looked at him scared me even more. It was like she accepted his ownership of her, like a cute puppy who doesn’t know any better looks at the owner who beats her for no reason. The bruises were the worst. Her hands were the size of cantaloupes and her wrists were black and blue from where he had grabbed her and shook her. How could a human being do that to another human being? It didn’t make sense.
Then it dawned on me. He wasn’t a human being and neither was she. He was a monster and she was a shell of her old self. All I can think about now was the promise of her life. She was smart, talented, beautiful, and funny. And when I say smart I mean a perfect score on her SAT’s and full ride scholarships to ivy-league schools all over the country smart. She could have been anything she wanted to be.
But then that bastard came along and ruined her life. He capitalized on her non-existent relationship with her parents and ran with it. I should have said something. I was supposed to be her best friend, right? The first time she came to me crying should have been the last. I should have stuck with her, even if it meant getting hurt myself. But I was too selfish, too caught up in my own mess to even really see what was going on in her life.
If the tears weren’t enough then the hospital trip should have done it. I’ll admit I acted rashly. I probably shouldn’t have knocked Ian out, even if it was what he deserved. I should have known she would have defended him. By that point he had ripped the very soul from her and turned her into a mindless zombie. I couldn’t recognize her the first time I saw her out of the hospital. She weighed maybe 95 pounds, which is small, even for her. He was starving her, trying to control every aspect of her life. When she went home that night from seeing me he beat her for leaving the house.
Six months later she became pregnant with their first child. When I found out I went directly to her parents, trying to get them to help her, but they said she had made her choices and she had to live with them. They actually had the nerve to say I should back off and let her live her own life. Before I left I asked them if they could even call what she had a life. I left before I could hear their response.
I had some hope that maybe a baby would straighten things out between them, maybe make Ian less of a monster. I was wrong. He wouldn’t even let her have a baby shower, saying they were only for good mothers who didn’t cheat on their husbands. By this point the only thing stopping me from killing him was the fact that Sarah begged me not to. The only way she was even able to communicate with the outside world was through a prepaid cell phone. He monitored all her phone calls on the house phone and her other cell phone, to the point where he would call the number, see who picked up, hang up, and go beat her if he didn’t like who she was talking to. He swore she was cheating on him with anybody and everybody, her friends included.
I don’t know that I would do anything differently. I just know that I don’t want things to end the way they did for Sarah. I remember getting the phone call like it was yesterday, even though its been three years since he killed her. All I can remember about that day was I downed an entire bottle of jack like it was water.
The day started out normal enough. I got in my car to go to school, dredged through my classes for the day, went home, and began to prep dinner. Then the phone rang. I had chicken guts all over my hands, so I asked my mom to pick up the phone. She answered it and Sarah’s mom was on the line. My mom said it sounded urgent, so I quickly washed my hands, dried off and took the phone. All Barbara said was she’s dead, and hung up the phone. No details, no blame, no explanation. I got a card in the mail a few days later with the funeral details, but still no explanation.
The funeral was the worst. Ian was there, holding the baby like nothing had happened. The only thing that was out of place was the armed guard standing next to Ian and the shackles around his feet. I wanted to slap him, wanted to strangle the life out of his body, but I knew he would get what he deserved in the end. Barbara came up to me and apologized for hanging up, but I could barely say anything to her, I was so full of rage.
Rage at her for not doing something sooner, rage at myself for not defending her, hell even rage toward Sarah for not getting out when she had the chance. But I was vengeful towards Ian. The only question I dared to ask was what the hell was he doing there. He had put her in that coffin years before he ever killed her, and he had no right to even think he was welcome there that day.
I couldn’t bear the thought of that jerk, that bastard, that wife beater getting to live on while Sarah’s life was wasted. In my mind, he didn’t deserve to live. I just kept comforting myself with the thought that he would never be able to hurt another woman again, never be able to destroy another life. That is the only thing that allows me to sleep at night…

Stream of Consciousness…

I don’t do this very often, but every once in a while I get the urge to just write, and nothing horribly creative either. I usually end up blogging about my day and other bs such as that, but sometimes my life can be pretty interesting, so there. Today has been weird all around. I think this weather makes people crazy. We got another cat, well kind of. My brother found it in the back of his truck last night when he got home from work and brought it into the house and now everyone is in love with it. The last person left to convince is my mom and she says we have to wait a couple of days to find out how she will react to the other cats. My money is on we end up with a third cat though. She is just too cute. I’ll post some pictures later. I’ve kind of lost my direction when it comes to blogging though. I used to love it, but now it just feels draining. I think that is why I haven’t blogged a lot in the past few months. But its cathartic for me. I just feel better after I’ve blogged, even if its just a short blog. I really don’t get it, but oh well. Well thats all I got time for so I will talk to you folks later…

Maybe, Pt 3

Decided it was time to end his life, and shatter mine in the process. People try to say its not my fault. Rationally I know it’s not my fault. My heart still believes he pulled the trigger of that God forsaken .9mm because of me though. I don’t want to believe it, I’m not supposed to, but I do all the same. And only God knows how long I’ll feel this way.

Maybe that is why I can’t find a new boyfriend. Its been 2 years now and I have yet to stay in a relationship longer than a few months, and that’s being optimistic…

I’ll remember that night for the rest of my life though. He said we needed to talk, and since I was still in love with him, I left the current flings house to go talk to Kenny. I was hoping we would work it all out and get back together, but Kenny had other plans. I knocked on the door of his apartment, and he told me to come in. Before I could stop him he shouted “it’s all your fault!” and pulled the trigger…

Do you?

This is one post I will mass produce because I want as much feedback as possible, so if you read my other blogs then be forewarned. Anyways. I want to know do yu save your posts to the hard drive of your computer or do you just save them on the web? I used to save them to my hard drive, but it became a little time consuming so I stopped. I’m thinking of doing it again so that I can have a copy, but I want to know what everyone else does before I go to the trouble…

Maybe, Pt 2

I can clear Kenny from my head completely. I know that may take a while, but I owe it to the one who loves me to be completely in love with him, whoever that may be. My mom brought him up the other day in assign conversation. We were waiting to buy groceries and she asked what had happened with his family. All of a sudden I got this flutter in my heart that maybe he was back again, but I knew it wasn’t true. People don’t come back from the dead.

I told her they were doing fine, still trying to cope almost two years later. She said it was hard to lose a child, especially the way Kenny’s life ended. No parent should have to go through that, even parents as horrible as Kenny’s.

His mom was good enough. Sometimes I thought Kenny would be fine if his mom were a single mom. She was nice, polite, and most of all liked me more than his previous girlfriends. His dad was a nightmare. Boorish, outdated, and incredibly rude. He expected more from Kenny than any parent should expect from a child, and he made sure Kenny knew he was disappointed. He could have brought home Mother Teresa as his girlfriend and Kenny’s dad still would have been unhappy.

Maybe that’s why Kenny…

Please Read, Important!

I am asking all of my brothers and sister in the faith to pray for the Laurie family during this very difficult ordeal. For those of you who have not heard the tragic news, Greg Laurie’s oldest son Christopher died in a car accident this morning on the 91 freeway. He left behind a wife, a daughter, and another baby girl on the way. With the Harvest Crusades happening all summer long, I can only imagine what a spiritual battle this family is fighting right now, so if you could please pray that the Lord would make them strong during this extremely difficult time, I would really appreciate it, as I am sure they would as well. Please pass this on to all of your friends so that we can get an army of prayer going. For those of you in the Highland, Ca area tomorrow there will be a prayer vigil from 6-7:30pm. If you would like more info, please contact me by private message and I will send you the address. For those of you not in the area, I would ask that you please join in at that time (PST) by praying wherever you are. I know many do not agree with Greg Laurie on certain issues, but I ask that you set those issues aside as we pray for them during this extremely tragic time.

Maybe

Maybe it was the way he laughed. Maybe it was that hat. All I know is I was smitten. You don’t hear smitten all that often. Its been replaced by so many other adjectives that smitten has become a word of the past. But that’s what I was. His laugh, smile, eyes, and hat made the perfect package.

I knew right away that he would never be mine. Too many girls prettier than I were jonesing after him, and I just wasn’t that well, forward, about my crush. It wasn’t my style. I’d always been taught to wait for the guy to pursue me, which I knew to be right, but was finding it to be more and more difficult with each passing single day.

I hadn’t been in a relationship since Kenny, at least not a real one. I’d had flings, affairs, and good times, but no relationship. I really wanted to be in a relationship, desired to be, thought I needed to be. But God said no. He had something so much better planned for me. “What is it?” I asked. “Just wait and see My beautiful daughter,” He told me. So I’m waiting, still…

And I’ll continue to wait until…

I am a…

writer, and a passionate one at that. Give me a social issue of the day and I can write about it for days. Show me heartbreak and I’ll have lyrics out in a matter of hours, if not minutes. Give me a passage of scripture and I can apply it to at least one area of life today. Give me a good book and I can write reviews right along with the best of them. But give me a blank sheet of paper and tell me to write fiction, and I’m lost. Which is sad, really sad. I want so desperately to be able to reach across this medium to other people, but I can never compare to the J.K Rowling’s or the Shakespeare’s of this world. I can admit that, though its taken me years to do so. But I know that God wouldn’t place that desire on my heart unless He wanted me to develop that talent. I’m not looking to get published. Fiction is not and probably never will be my bread and butter. I just want your honest opinion. So please don’t sugarcoat or gloss over what you feel. Just tell me straight up what you think. I’ll be writing and posting on here in the next few days, so look back around Friday for more.